2020, New Year, New Me

I’ve never really been a fan of New Years resolutions, but this year I’m going to “take advantage” of the new year. I’ve decided that I need to do whatever it takes to make me happy and do what’s important for my kids. After all if mommas not happy it makes parenting that much harder.

I’m not making a New Years resolution, but I am going to continue to work on myself. Continue to see a counselor, work on myself mentally and work on improving my good qualities and getting past bad habits.

I did jump on the new year, new fitness bandwagon though. I started a 30 day overall beginner fitness challenge. I decided to start on New Years Day for a few reasons. One, starting day one on the first of the month makes it easier to remember what day I’m on. Two, I figure I can do one 30 day challenge a month. Not all will be fitness related, some will be a mental/emotional challenge, some a relaxation challenge. I choose to start with a fitness challenge because physical activity does make you feel better. I started with an easy/beginner one so each day as it progresses I can continue to be proud of myself for what I’m accomplishing. It also gives me a baseline for what I can do.

In working on being happy and less stressed I have also decided that I need to work on not over analyzing things so much. Even thinking into someone’s actions and possible outcomes of how it could affect me. It just causes more stress and worry and I don’t need that. That’s part of why my 30 day challenges will include mental/emotional challenges, just not sure how or what yet.

Have you ever done a 30 day challenge? Did you make it through all 30 days? Was it easier or harder than you anticipated?

Do you have any suggestions for 30 day challenges I could do?

Upcoming Girls Weekend

I cannot wait!!!! I need a weekend getaway like a light needs power to turn on. Since I’m still nursing Sissy at night we are planning this for after she’s a year old so I don’t have to worry about trying to pump or have any issues with drinking when I want or have any restraints.

It’s going to be interesting, it started with me and one friend talking about needing a weekend getaway, which led to a girls weekend. Neither of us are really social butterflies so we each have one other friend we invited. We are planning to go horseback riding one morning so inviting a friend that also rides was a limiting factor as well. Having four ladies and two only knowing one of us will be interesting.

It’s going to be a short trip, just Friday night to Sunday morning. Saturday morning will be a trail ride booked, but the rest is up in the air. I’m thinking drinks are a must, and debating on a game like Cards Against Humanities to maybe be an ice breaker.

Anyone have any thoughts for four ladies who don’t know each other????

Routine for Kids during Separation

Being currently separated I am trying my best to keep things as normal and routine for the kids. I stick to bedtime and every night I deal with Little Man getting his eye patch on top of making sure bottles are washed, dirty clothes from the day are stain treated so the spit up doesn’t settle in and ruin the clothes. When I plan a fun outing I doing it so it works around nap time and doesn’t mess with their routines. Their father on the other hand has done the complete opposite tonight and I’m so frustrated. I was scheduled to work late so asked him if he could take off early (with his work schedule he is never able to pick up the kids after work) and pick up the kids then he could take Little Man with him once I got home from work. He fed Sissy and got her down for bed, and he took the dog out. Didn’t wash or even rinse bottles from the day, their dirty soiled clothes (Little Man must have leaked through his pull up and they put it in a plastic bag so the smell is confined and is harsh) were still in their bags. He didn’t stick around to help out at all, and then proceeded to skip doing Little Mans eye patch so they could go out and have fun which also led to him being out well past his bedtime.

I’m so pissed off that not only did he not help out with taking care of his kids things for the day (when he has them on Tuesdays as his day with them he does it, so to me picking up the kids on a Friday he has them so he is responsible for that) but then proceeds to skip a medical treatment which I have found when he skips one night of wearing the patch Little Man takes that and runs with it not wanting it the next night either. So I’m the one left to have that battle because their father isn’t around for that fun. Top it off with going to bed late which most likely will lead to nap being off tomorrow which will most likely follow with bedtime being off for me so he gets to have fun while I get to battle getting everything back on track.

I feel so abused (no not physically, but emotionally) because I’m trying to do everything I can to keep things as normal as possible for the kids, keep the things that have to be done around the house done, and he gets to do crap like this. I feel like he is being selfish with this whole thing tonight. Maybe I’m wrong in thinking that, but I don’t think he realizes how him having his fun time will affect Little Man and how it will affect me with Little Man tomorrow. But as he says, it will be fine. I hope for his sake it is.

Toddler Vision

Little Man has been doing great wearing his glasses, not as great with having his eye patched. We are supposed to be patching his good eye for an hour a day, he lasts about 30 minutes. Week does there just instant time to patch it twice to get the hour but days at home sometimes we manage to get a total of an hour. He still squints occasionally and I’m not sure if it’s just his vision still adjusting or something else.

We managed to get an appointment with an optometrist who specializes in neurological conditions but we still have over a month to go before our appointment. I just hope by then no permanent damage has been done in the event there is an underlying condition causing his vision changes.

I’ve noticed he seems to be rubbing his eyes more as well and I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence or not. I tend to over analyze but at the same time with him I feel if I don’t I could miss something important.

His appointment gets closer every day, but the wait frustrates me.

Am I crazy?

I don’t know why but even after all that has and is happening I really want to save my marriage. I want to make it work, to fix it, to become better. I still love my husband so much and Ive taken him for granted and haven’t shown it enough, but I want to change that. I want to know that he’s willing to try and fix it too, to allow us to be a family, and to prove to me that he is sorry for his actions. Unfortunately I’m waiting on him to decide if he’s giving up or willing to give it another chance. The wait is killing me, my stress levels are insane as I wait on him to decide what we are doing. Granted if he decides to give it another go I do still have to make the final decision to forgive or move past his actions but as long as he can prove to me that he will be honest and not hide anything I think I can handle that for us. Am I crazy? Maybe I am, but my kids deserve to have a home with both parents to care for them if at all possible. It wouldn’t be fair for them to be passed back and forth and alternate holidays. They are so young right now I can’t imagine how it will affect them.

I wish I knew how I could convince him that I truly believe we can fix this. I hope he gives us a chance and he makes that decision soon, before it takes any more toll on the entire family with the stress of the situation.

What have I done, what do I do?

I don’t even know where to begin. I guess with the current situation….. I’m getting a divorce, I’m going to be a single mom of an almost 3 year old and a 9 month old. Up until a few hours ago I knew it was a possibility. We’ve been having marriage problems, but I thought we had a chance and could fix things with seeing a counselor, getting professional help. Up until a few hours ago I had my suspicions but I let love cloud my judgement. I knew I wasn’t giving him what he needed so I should have known he would seek it elsewhere. We were on a 2 week “separation” with the agreement to not have outside emotional or physical relationships while he decided if he wanted to give up on us or try and fix our relationship. Little did I know he’s been having an emotional relationship with someone he met in an online game. Someone who he told a friend is like a drug to him, he craves those conversations and FaceTime chats. I shouldn’t be surprised I found that message but it still hurts incredibly deeply. What hurts even more is for some stupid reason I still feel like I love him. Why does part of me want to still fix us? Why do I still want us to be a family? Don’t get me wrong I’m planning on divorce with a fight for full custody. I won’t deny our kids knowing their father, but I want it to be on my terms. How can I trust that a man who can’t have self control, be honest, loyal, faithful, and respect his own wife can have my kids best interest at heart. He couldn’t even tell me he would quit talking to her until he could fix himself. If he truly wanted to fix himself and see a counselor wouldn’t step one be to end your affair and start to become an honest person? To show you do want to get help, by taking that first step to show you honestly do want to work on yourself.

My kids deserve to be cared for and fought for when it comes to everything. Looking back I wonder if I’ve been the one making all the phone calls trying to get my son into the eye specialist that is so good he’s booked out for months. Am I the only one fighting for him because my husband has been to preoccupied chasing an emotional relationship outside of his marriage? I understand with his work schedule, he works 4 days a week, 10 hour days, he can’t make phone calls at work. But he gets an hour lunch each day and has 2 week days he’s off that he can make phone calls. If he truly had their best interests at heart wouldn’t he take those times to do anything for them to get the best care. An hour lunch break is more than enough time to eat and make phone calls. I know because I’ve been doing it, I’ve been making those calls checking for a cancellation, getting records faxed here, records faxed there, calling and begging them to understand the records might not show an issue but I’m his mother and I can tell something is going on. Where is my husband in this battle? Where is their father?

I’m so upset, hurt, angry, betrayed.How do I begin to mend?

A Two Year Old and Glasses

Well it’s official, Little Man now has glasses as of last night. Less than 24 hours and they are already broken!

Let me start from the beginning. Last week on Sunday Little Man started squinting for brief periods of time and it continued Monday so we called his neurosurgeon. My thoughts, as with everything with him now, went straight to it being pressure related and it must be related to his Hydro. The nurse over the phone said it sounded like he might have something in his eye to go to the eye doctor (I then got a brief lecture on us not having one already) or his pediatrician. Since we didn’t have an eye doctor we booked an appointment with his pediatrician for the next day. Tuesday morning he saw the pediatrician and they did a quick eye test with a funky camera. Turns out he is really farsighted in his right eye (the one he kept squinting) but his left eye is good. They referred us to an eye doctor.

He sees the eye doctor who confirms he is farsighted and astigmatism in his right eye. We get glasses ordered and are told once they come in we need to patch his good eye once a day for an hour.

His glasses come in and get picked up Wednesday after work. He has about an hour of wearing them at home doing really good. He even got upset when he couldn’t sleep with them on. Next day in the morning he is ok with wearing them but has a few times of not wanting to. Talk to daycare about him wearing them other than nap time and give them the case with the cleaning cloth and for them to be placed in during nap.

Pick Little Man up and find out his glasses are already broken! I’m so upset I’m not able to fully understand what happened (there is a slight language barrier with his teacher but not much) and only understand one kid was trying to pull them away and he would take them off to play because it looked like they would fall so he just took them off and would set them down next to him.

I know we need to get a strap but I really thought he could make it a few days at daycare until we could pick one up over the weekend. Luckily since it’s the frame that broke they are covered by warranty for a small price but we won’t be able to get the new frame until Monday. So he has 3 days, 4 if you count Monday since he won’t have them until after daycare, without them already.

I have no idea how to prevent them being broken constantly at daycare if getting him a strap doesn’t help. They want him to wear them unless he’s asleep but I can’t afford to keep buying glasses because I doubt the warranty will cover multiple pairs.