Loss, I am 1 in 4 (Past)

We knew we both wanted kids. Before the wedding I had joked that I wanted to get pregnant on the honeymoon! Well… that didn’t happen. I had been on birth control for years and didn’t stop until shortly after the wedding. After quiting the pill I thought I was pregnant. I had all the signs minus the nausea and the negative tests. I was moody, tired, missed period, you name it. Turns out those are all also the signs of your body adjusting to no longer being on the pill. 

After constant logging and many ovulation tests I finally had a positive pregnancy test! I was so excited, we were so excited. Then it happened. It was Tuesday January 19th,  I was getting ready for my interview for a promotion at work. I started bleeding. I called my doctor, bleeding can be normal but they wanted me to come in. I scheduled an appointment for after my interview. 

I don’t remember my interview. I remember sitting in a chair waiting and being approached by someone who asked how I was. That was all it took, I lost it. I couldn’t hold it in. I was scared. How can I loose what I just got. 

At the doctors I was told I had a chemical pregnancy. For whatever reason the pregnancy was not viable and my body rejected it. It was possible it was because I had been on birth control for so long. I could try again. 

I did, we tried again and I got that positive test again. This was it. I was going to have a baby. Until I started bleeding again, it was Friday April 29th. This wasn’t possible. What did I do to cause this? Why is this happening to me again, I just went through this 3 months ago. What did I do wrong? The phone call and the appointment were the same as last time. This time they wanted me to wait a full cycle before trying again. 

Try again? Can I go through this a third time? I’m not strong enough to do this again. I hated myself. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I stay pregnant? Will I ever get to carry a baby? I can’t do this again. I just can’t. I have to wait, to get passed the grief.

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