Toddler Vision

Little Man has been doing great wearing his glasses, not as great with having his eye patched. We are supposed to be patching his good eye for an hour a day, he lasts about 30 minutes. Week does there just instant time to patch it twice to get the hour but days at home sometimes we manage to get a total of an hour. He still squints occasionally and I’m not sure if it’s just his vision still adjusting or something else.

We managed to get an appointment with an optometrist who specializes in neurological conditions but we still have over a month to go before our appointment. I just hope by then no permanent damage has been done in the event there is an underlying condition causing his vision changes.

I’ve noticed he seems to be rubbing his eyes more as well and I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence or not. I tend to over analyze but at the same time with him I feel if I don’t I could miss something important.

His appointment gets closer every day, but the wait frustrates me.

Am I crazy?

I don’t know why but even after all that has and is happening I really want to save my marriage. I want to make it work, to fix it, to become better. I still love my husband so much and Ive taken him for granted and haven’t shown it enough, but I want to change that. I want to know that he’s willing to try and fix it too, to allow us to be a family, and to prove to me that he is sorry for his actions. Unfortunately I’m waiting on him to decide if he’s giving up or willing to give it another chance. The wait is killing me, my stress levels are insane as I wait on him to decide what we are doing. Granted if he decides to give it another go I do still have to make the final decision to forgive or move past his actions but as long as he can prove to me that he will be honest and not hide anything I think I can handle that for us. Am I crazy? Maybe I am, but my kids deserve to have a home with both parents to care for them if at all possible. It wouldn’t be fair for them to be passed back and forth and alternate holidays. They are so young right now I can’t imagine how it will affect them.

I wish I knew how I could convince him that I truly believe we can fix this. I hope he gives us a chance and he makes that decision soon, before it takes any more toll on the entire family with the stress of the situation.

What have I done, what do I do?

I don’t even know where to begin. I guess with the current situation….. I’m getting a divorce, I’m going to be a single mom of an almost 3 year old and a 9 month old. Up until a few hours ago I knew it was a possibility. We’ve been having marriage problems, but I thought we had a chance and could fix things with seeing a counselor, getting professional help. Up until a few hours ago I had my suspicions but I let love cloud my judgement. I knew I wasn’t giving him what he needed so I should have known he would seek it elsewhere. We were on a 2 week “separation” with the agreement to not have outside emotional or physical relationships while he decided if he wanted to give up on us or try and fix our relationship. Little did I know he’s been having an emotional relationship with someone he met in an online game. Someone who he told a friend is like a drug to him, he craves those conversations and FaceTime chats. I shouldn’t be surprised I found that message but it still hurts incredibly deeply. What hurts even more is for some stupid reason I still feel like I love him. Why does part of me want to still fix us? Why do I still want us to be a family? Don’t get me wrong I’m planning on divorce with a fight for full custody. I won’t deny our kids knowing their father, but I want it to be on my terms. How can I trust that a man who can’t have self control, be honest, loyal, faithful, and respect his own wife can have my kids best interest at heart. He couldn’t even tell me he would quit talking to her until he could fix himself. If he truly wanted to fix himself and see a counselor wouldn’t step one be to end your affair and start to become an honest person? To show you do want to get help, by taking that first step to show you honestly do want to work on yourself.

My kids deserve to be cared for and fought for when it comes to everything. Looking back I wonder if I’ve been the one making all the phone calls trying to get my son into the eye specialist that is so good he’s booked out for months. Am I the only one fighting for him because my husband has been to preoccupied chasing an emotional relationship outside of his marriage? I understand with his work schedule, he works 4 days a week, 10 hour days, he can’t make phone calls at work. But he gets an hour lunch each day and has 2 week days he’s off that he can make phone calls. If he truly had their best interests at heart wouldn’t he take those times to do anything for them to get the best care. An hour lunch break is more than enough time to eat and make phone calls. I know because I’ve been doing it, I’ve been making those calls checking for a cancellation, getting records faxed here, records faxed there, calling and begging them to understand the records might not show an issue but I’m his mother and I can tell something is going on. Where is my husband in this battle? Where is their father?

I’m so upset, hurt, angry, betrayed.How do I begin to mend?

A Two Year Old and Glasses

Well it’s official, Little Man now has glasses as of last night. Less than 24 hours and they are already broken!

Let me start from the beginning. Last week on Sunday Little Man started squinting for brief periods of time and it continued Monday so we called his neurosurgeon. My thoughts, as with everything with him now, went straight to it being pressure related and it must be related to his Hydro. The nurse over the phone said it sounded like he might have something in his eye to go to the eye doctor (I then got a brief lecture on us not having one already) or his pediatrician. Since we didn’t have an eye doctor we booked an appointment with his pediatrician for the next day. Tuesday morning he saw the pediatrician and they did a quick eye test with a funky camera. Turns out he is really farsighted in his right eye (the one he kept squinting) but his left eye is good. They referred us to an eye doctor.

He sees the eye doctor who confirms he is farsighted and astigmatism in his right eye. We get glasses ordered and are told once they come in we need to patch his good eye once a day for an hour.

His glasses come in and get picked up Wednesday after work. He has about an hour of wearing them at home doing really good. He even got upset when he couldn’t sleep with them on. Next day in the morning he is ok with wearing them but has a few times of not wanting to. Talk to daycare about him wearing them other than nap time and give them the case with the cleaning cloth and for them to be placed in during nap.

Pick Little Man up and find out his glasses are already broken! I’m so upset I’m not able to fully understand what happened (there is a slight language barrier with his teacher but not much) and only understand one kid was trying to pull them away and he would take them off to play because it looked like they would fall so he just took them off and would set them down next to him.

I know we need to get a strap but I really thought he could make it a few days at daycare until we could pick one up over the weekend. Luckily since it’s the frame that broke they are covered by warranty for a small price but we won’t be able to get the new frame until Monday. So he has 3 days, 4 if you count Monday since he won’t have them until after daycare, without them already.

I have no idea how to prevent them being broken constantly at daycare if getting him a strap doesn’t help. They want him to wear them unless he’s asleep but I can’t afford to keep buying glasses because I doubt the warranty will cover multiple pairs.

Tough Terrain

In my last post or two I talked about Little Mans shunt being stuck at a 6 and doing a follow up MRI in 2 months. His MRI is tomorrow, but last night he got sick. A week ago he started vomiting at night and of course as always my brain went straight to shunt problem. He ended up with diarrhea as well so we took him to his pediatrician and they didn’t see any neurological concerns so went with stomach bug and prescribed something for the vomiting. He did his nausea meds for the 3 days and his stomach had gotten better, no more vomiting after that and diarrhea cleared in about 3 days. With him getting sick last night I can’t help but think it’s too hard to believe this could still be a stomach bug a week later.

Being 2 and vomiting at night means it’s in the bed and on him so 1am bath time. Little Man has a thing where when I get him out of the tub and wrap him in a towel I hold him up in front of the mirror and say look at my clean boy. This morning, I was tired and wasn’t thinking about it. He however was and said mirror, so I obliged and when I said it and he started to smile then giggle I couldn’t hold it in. The tears flowed and my thoughts went to my baby boy enduring another brain surgery. I can’t help but worry that if he’s at the point of vomiting damage has been done. Hope that it’s something that can be fixed without permanent damage if that is the case, but until I see his MRI results tomorrow I’m going to be one stressed, worried, paranoid mama.

And then we were four

We had always planned on having two kids. When we had miscarriages before having Little Man and then the stress/paranoia I had the entire pregnancy we were thinking of about a two year gap before trying again. Once he was diagnosed with Hydro we started to think maybe we should wait a little longer.

Before Little Man turned two we found out I was pregnant again! Looks like our original plans decided to stick.

Sissy was born on what was Little Mans due date! Both pregnancies had similarities and differences. With Little Man I had practically no morning sickness, and had an easy pregnancy up until developing preeclampsia. They induced me early with Little Man because of the preeclampsia. With Sissy, I had morning sickness, and midday sickness, and evening sickness. It was miserable and they ended up putting me on a medication for it. I was also put on low dose aspirin at 12 weeks to help with my blood pressure since I had preeclampsia last pregnancy.

I developed polyhydramnios. An excess amount of amniotic fluid. Due to this I started to get more frequent appointments and ultra-scans to monitor my fluid levels. With the extra fluid my belly seemed to be getting bigger faster and a whole lot more stretch marks. I started to wonder if I was going to end up in the hospital early again.

I also had a few times my BP seemed high and called the dr. They had me go to the hospital and turns out buying one of the cheaper BP machines was the problem. The numbers did not match what the hospital was getting. My next appointment I took it with me to compare and it was the machine. I bought a better quality one and all was well. For a bit. It started to rise and they wanted to do a 24 hr collection to test my protein levels.

Between both the polyhydramnios and my BP starting to rise they were doing the 24 hr collection but also decided to go ahead and schedule me that week for induction.

Little Man was induced at 34 weeks, Sissy at 37. The second time went MUCH faster. Turns out I was already having contractions with Sissy and had no clue! I thought she kept pushing down into my hips and it was her causing the discomfort. When they started monitoring me at the hospital they asked how long I’d been having contractions and when I said I haven’t had anything they asked what I just felt!

They broke my water (turns out with a high fluid level you can “flood” the bed). Sorry if that’s TMI but you choose to keep reading a pregnancy related post! Then I was able to be moved to labor and delivery where I assumed I would be a while as I was with Little Man. I was wrong and Sissy was in my arms the same day!

During delivery my epidural worked so well I couldn’t lift or move my right leg at leg. Due to this the nurse had to help me hold it up when it was time to push and I couldn’t get out of the bed for a little bit since I couldn’t put weight on it.

They checked Sissy out and my heart sank when they said they were going to keep checking her because her breathing was a little off and it seemed she swallowed some fluid on the way out. I was not ready to have my baby girl be sent to the NICU. I couldn’t go through that again. I don’t remember if we waited in labor and delivery room for an hour or how long, but waiting for the verdict on her was stressful. She did improve by her “deadline” to determine if she was headed to NICU or not so we were in the clear! She was not going to be a NICU baby. That weight off my shoulders was amazing.

Having her in the recovery room was so nice! We made sure to keep the tv on so she would be used to noise and able to nap with Little Man playing. A few times the nurses asked if we wanted if off so everyone could sleep and we said no. It seemed to do the trick and she sleeps through a lot of the noises Jackson and the dogs make.

When it was time to go home it was like I’d never been through that before. I was a different world being able to go home together. I cried on the way home and I remember hubby asking what was wrong. Nothing is wrong, we are all going home together!

There was no pumping and delivering it to the NICU at each visit. No late nights so we could get a visit in after hubby got home from work. We were home, all of us.

Our family of four, at home, learning our new life.

It’s been awhile

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. I’ve typed up a few drafts but never finished and posted them. So much has happened since my last post and I don’t know where to begin.

I guess to keep this somewhat short(er) I will save a lot for a later post. I have some family news and Hydro update for now.

First off, Little Man is now a big brother! Sissy is already 5 months old, going on 6 months. I can’t believe how fast time goes by watching these two grow. He does good with her most of the time, but boy does he have a jealous streak. Most of his jealousy comes when I’m nursing Sissy. He is not a fan of me being “tied down” unable to play with him, and has even told me “shirt on” a few times. He does good helping us with her though and will bring her a blanket or binkie and helps us put her diapers in the trash. He does like to try and claim her toys at times though.

Now to Little Man, so much has happened. As far as his Hydro goes it’s been a roller coaster. We had a point we were given the all clear for 6 months before his next follow up! The latest news however is not as good. He had a MRI check and due the ventricles being dilated (one moderate dilation, one mild to moderate dilation) then dropped his setting from a 6 to a 5 to decrease them. Our follow up for that should have been in October. It’s only August and we’ve had a few concerns. About a month ago he fell back at daycare after a few a his friends and him were chasing each other and collided. He hit his shunt and you could see the abrasion where there were spots of blood like when you scrap your skin enough to draw a little blood but not for the blood to pool at all. Daycare said he seemed out of it after and we picked him up. It was coming up on nap time so I’m sure that didn’t help either but he wasn’t himself. Called his neurosurgeon and they said if he’s not vomiting or showing signs of malfunction not to worry. Two weeks later and he’s started at his new daycare. Monday he’s fine, Tuesday night right after getting in bed he vomits. After that he seems fine so we let it go. Thursday night, same thing. Then he vomits again on Saturday. Since he has no other cold symptoms and it’s been every other day we go to the ER. They do a shunt series and his ventricles are stable from his last visit but his setting is showing at a 6, not a 5. The vomiting is being contributed to the new daycares menu that includes a lot more fruit than he’s used to.

Now our concern is the shunt setting. This is twice that it’s at a different setting than it should be. We have a follow up office visit a week later. They attempt to adjust the setting down to a 5, it doesn’t want to change. After a few attempts I start to worry. Ask if the reason for changing it down to a 5 was to get the ventricles to decrease, yes. That was a confirmation of my fears that I had to ask. They borrow a stronger magnet from cardiology next door to try and get it unstuck. No luck. It will change to a 7, but not drop down to a 5.

They sent him for an X-ray to confirm it is at a 6 after all the attempts at adjusting it. It is so they decided since his ventricles are stable we are going to go for another MRI in two months and go from there. Provided he doesn’t show any symptoms of malfunction it will be a wait and see game.

My stress level is insane wondering what’s going to happen. I also plan to discuss why they are now ok with his ventricles being dilated now and if it’s just to avoid surgery or give the shunt a chance to fix itself and hopefully adjust next time.

Well, I guess I will leave it at this for now and in a few days get a post up about Sissy.